Words can not describe how god damn scared I am over the political exams I have to do. I know I can do it, but if I am faced with the wrong essay questions then I am screwed. My score depends on one question being about the electoral act. And if you were to logically look at previous years, then this year looks like it will be constitutional. Which, is the worst fucking one out of the three.
And then, to make it worse, I can’t do public policy, mainly because I ignored it and its shit, and therefore I dont understand it or actually like it, so now I have to do foreign policy, which is my strong point in international politics, but not in Aust politics.
And my first uni pref relies heavily on my results of the two political exams. but then, my heart isnt in it. it hasnt been for a long time, while i have an interest, my heart isnt as interested. And regardless, of how small i write, or how fast, or even how many pages, I have to sit there for the two hours. I can not leave early. If i get angry, I cant walk out, I must sit there and face it, I have to show my years worth of work in two fucking hours. It is not enough time.
L(my teacher) tries the whole pep talk of “you can do it, dont get angry and you will be fine” but, it doesnt work. And she knows it doesnt work. and thats why i think i get the hug. its not words that make me understand and realise things, it’s actions.
im scared mostly of when i walk out of the exam, that when we all meet up for dinner afterwards, and she asks how we all went, that if i fuck it up, then she will be dissapointed, and I dont want to be that dissapointment, i want soemone else to be instead. Im sick of being a disapointment to everyone.
I have the legal exam as well, i have 5 days to learn the years worth of course work. when we got the fuckstain of a teacher fired, we didnt get a decent teacher as a replacement. We did for politics, just not for legal. but, the legal one was nice to look at for three hours a week.
I love the pol one too though, while she is old(not as in old old, but old as in cool old), i love her head. she is full of so much knowledge, and it is a shame that she doesnt get enough time to teach it all. so when i tell her i love her to bits, she knows its because of what she knows, and for what she has taught. and if any lil fucker gives her shit ever again when she teaches, she knows im only an email or call away.
i think i did extremely well in the english exam. 10 pages in 2 hours. small writing, like size 8 writing. the second one was the one that would end up throwing me the most, but instead of arguing the prompt, i wrote in relation to it, reference a text that i managed to read(only one i did read all year) and walked out really happy.
i need my eng to be over 30, and the two political ones to be over 38. legal i dont give a fuck what it is.
while this post may seem all jumbled and what not, i needed to write it so i can sort the shit out of my head so i can study. i am so fucked