Jac Ramadge

Before I start, I need to inform you that I take no legal responsibility if you decide to try this very stupid idea.

I remember the night clearly.  It was a nice summers night, In a small country town.  Warracknabeal to be exact. Population just over 2000. But it has four pubs. What is it famous for? Nick Cave unfortunately. Did you know he will bring Kylie Minogue and Snoop Dog to the town if they erect a statue of him?  Im sure it can go on the third roundabout in town, not the one with the sheep and the dog, or the one with a dog on a box that has a big dick and set of balls.

So back to my story, After many drinks, I decided I wanted to catch animals for breakfast. Lyrebirds. The town has a tourist attraction. A park with wildlife in it.  I was asked how I was going to cook breakfast. I pulled out a lighter. I would sit there with a stick up the lyrebirds arse and cook it with my cigarette lighter. After it layed some eggs for us of course.

So we left the pub and began our 5 minute walk. I shit you not. Actually thats a lie, it should have taken 2 minutes because you can walk to the end of town and back within 5.

Past the shoe shop we went. Almost tempted to break the window to get a girly pair of pink shoes and a matching hat for a mate but didnt. I think the cops driving around changed my mind.  So anyways, we ran down this lane way cos someone needed to break the seal.  So after a small seal break we continued on our way. And it is then, I found the water main. The only one in town.

I laughed for 30 seconds because I found it quite funny. And then it hurt. I admit, I cried. Hell fuck I cried. It fucken hurt. Oh, not the finger, it was the bindies stuck in my leg that caused the pain. Then I felt the finger.

So off to the hospital we went. “Hey nurse, DONT give me needles, I HATE THEM” Seriously I hate all forms of pricks.  Now the Emergency Department of this hospital is only two beds. So it was me on one and some lady on the other. Once they took her out I got needles and boy did I scream  the hospital down. Those out in the car park could hear me.  They could hear me, they just didnt know it was me. The staff learnt after the first needle that they would have to hold my head the other way to give me the second needle. Never let someone come face to face with their fear and think they are going to be quiet. haha. Although holding my head didnt work.

So after my finger was put back into place it was off to home we went. I was in bed for five minutes and the anaesthetic wore off. and i was in pain. The next day it was off o the closest big town to get xrays.

Panadeine Forte knocks me out. It makes me drowsy for a little bit and then i fall asleep.  Hospital lights make me faint. So here I am with my finger just dangling fom my hand me looking drug fucked, with bright hospital lights.  I still find it rather rude they made me sit on a chair and not lay on the bed. So the doctor comes in and grabs my finger. “Oh hey the good news is its 100 PERCENT not broken or anything so you should be able to move it”

You know when a dog is wet, it shakes to get the water off its hair? Well she was shaking my finger like that trying to get it to move. I was nearly falling off the chair in pain. And as i looked up I noticed four other doctors looking at my x-ray still “Oh hey why are they looking at my x-ray still and why is there four of them” She told me she didnt know. And it was then when one of them came over. “WE FOUND FOUR”

Four fucking what? Bones? Fingers? No. Fractures.  “Oh shit! Dont move your finger” And she walks off. I can see her on the phone. Explaining my finger to someone. I told her it was fucking fracturueed or broken when I got there. but she was nice.

Five minutes past and the guy who spotted the fractures come in with some plaster and cotton and so on. Time to set my hand in place for a week. Yay great. I get to feel like a retard.

The female doctor comes back and tells me when i get back to melbourne I need to go see this specialist at this hospital on this day. Thats another story altogether.

So that night once getting the plaster on, it was a half cast and it wasnt like the old days, this one he puts it on and snaps the middle of it and the water comes out of it. was some weird shit. So we drive off thinking we are going home, and I get told I have to eat something, Cos i havent aten for a while. So we get to maccas, and I get out of the car and I look like Ive pissed myself. They send you off while the plaster is still drying, Never rest your hand on your legs while it dries. The front of my pants were soaked. haha.

So we go home and that night we have carols by candlelight. Guess where? At the park with the animals! Its then I find out that we werent that far from the park when I hurt myself.

And its then, when I find out that the park does not have lyrebirds, it has PEACOCKS!